One Hookers Ramblings

I've been going back and forth trying to decide how much to tell. I think I've finally made up my mind.

As some of you know, a couple weeks ago I was given a lecture by my maternal unit on the perils of sleeping with a married man, then proceeded to tell the family blabbermouth. So then it was a whole family affair. No pun intended. She does all this the day before the family reunion. I love my family, we don't do anything half assed.

I was able to stop and visit an old friend Jim (not his real name) on my way to SC recently. Him and his wife Jaime (not her real name either), after 7 years of marriage are seperated and getting divorced.

A little background. I've known Jim for over 9 years. We met when he was still driving a truck. We went from a one night stand to a friends with benefits situation, hooking up whenever. No strings attached. One summer I took my vacation in New England and Jim offered to let me stay, we hooked up again. After several long talks over that week, he was looking to take the relationship to the next level. At the tender age of 29, I was not. I was a mess because an ex decided to rear his ugly head and that dredged up a lot of shit. So we agreed to keep things the way they were.

Then he met Jaime. A year later they got married. We continued to get together, with Jaime's blessing. She believed what happened on the road stayed on the road. But by this time I had switched companies and wasn't running the east coast nearly as often. A couple years later they move to NC, and he comes off the road and opens a small engine repair shop. Our hooking up came to an end. We still talked frequently.

Then a few weeks ago I got a phone call from both Jim and Jaime telling me they were seperating. I did what any friend would do and listened and gave advice.

Entirely by coincidence the load to SC came up. Even if nothing had happened I would have taken the load, just because I hadn't seen them in almost 4 yrs. But it happened that Jaime had flown back north to visit her sister for the weekend. We even talked while I was there. The conversation went something like this.

*phone rings

*Jim banging around in garage -

Jim - *hollering* Will you awnser the phone?

Me - *sarcasticly* Yes dear.

Me - picks up phone & recognizes Jaime's cell - Jones residence, Jim's fuck puppet speaking, how may I help you?

Jaime - Hey Shannon, how's it going?

Me - Not bad.

*20 min of girl talk*

Jaime - By the way, you didn't fuck in my bed did you?

Me - Ewww no. But I would rethink eating at the dinner table, the kitchen counter, the couch, the washer.

Jaime - Ha. I'd like to see you get on top of the washer with the dryer there.

Me - The top of the dryer is REALLY clean.

We shoot the shit for a few more minutes then I give the phone to Jim. He gets off the phone and we continue with our plans for the rest of the day.

Early Monday morning I take off for SC. I make an innocuous comment on FB about how nice FWB's are, no names, nothing. My mother connects that with a post I'd made the week before about going to see a newly single old friend. Combine that with where my load was going and she managed to add it all together. I swear Sherlock Holmes has nothing on my mother.

So she proceeds with the lecture, the whole family finds out all the day before the reunion. My family falls into 2 categories, religious & judgmental and just plain self rightous & judgmental. It makes for interesting reunions if nothing else.

I head home totally prepared for the worst. On my way home I get a text from my cousin. The whole fam knows. Thanks for really fucking up. Now they won't be on me about the baby out of wedlock thing. Love, S

So I arrive, get my plate and large margarita and head for the corner with my cousin S. We start talking & whatnot, then after about 45 min my uncle comes and sits down.

Uncle - You know Shannon, if you could just see to find your back to the Church......

Me - *stands up* OK everyone, may I have your attention please, because I'm only going to say this once. No matter who I am fucking, married or not, is none of y'alls damn business.

Now just picture about 30 people sitting their with the look of 'oh my god I can't believe she said that'.

This is the point where me & my cousins S & H all go to the strip club and say fuck the family reunion.

So all in all it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Our imaginations can be our own worst enemy in cases like this.