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I'm a slightly mad pagan trucker with an unhealthy obsession with yarn.
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Friday, January 8, 2010

Shannon's Rules For Winter Driving

Well, it's that time of year again.  The snow's a flying, the winds are blowing & the idiots are out in force.  So I thought I would pass on a couple of tips for safe winter driving.  Actually these can be applied all year round.

Tip #1 - Take your head out of your ass.
     When I say take your head out of your ass, I mean take your head out of your ass.  Not just part of the way or have that nifty new window installed in your stomach, but do a complete cranial rectal extraction.  Pay attention to who & what is around you.  Take your phone away from your ear & get your slow ass out of the middle lane.  Stop digging around on the floor for that elusive Engelbert Humperdink CD & fucking pay attention.

Tip #2 - Don't drive skeered.

     Now we all have had those white nuckle moments, that feeling of, "Oh SHIT!!".  But the thing to remember is when your skeered you are more likely to make panicky, unsafe moves.  This is not a good thing on an ice & snow covered road.  I'm not saying don't respect Mother Nature & all her squirrelly wrath but if you're afraid to be on the road, do the rest of us a favor & park it.

Tip #3 - Get the fuck away from me.

     No, seriously.  GET. THE. FUCK. AWAY.  I don't know what it is about some drivers but when the weather gets shitty they all want to ride in one big panicky group. Personally, I want as much space between me & your dumbass as possible.  If you come flying up behind me, pass me.  If I come up on you, don't jump out there & cut me off, because I'm liable to give you a good CB ass kicking for being an ignorant fucktard.  So for your safety & my mental health, STAY AWAY.

So there you have it fuckeritos y fuckeritas (these are my new favorite words), 3 simple tips for safe winter driving.  This probably isn't what you were expecting, but get over it already.