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I'm a slightly mad pagan trucker with an unhealthy obsession with yarn.
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Friday, January 8, 2010

Shannon's Rules For Winter Driving

Well, it's that time of year again.  The snow's a flying, the winds are blowing & the idiots are out in force.  So I thought I would pass on a couple of tips for safe winter driving.  Actually these can be applied all year round.

Tip #1 - Take your head out of your ass.
     When I say take your head out of your ass, I mean take your head out of your ass.  Not just part of the way or have that nifty new window installed in your stomach, but do a complete cranial rectal extraction.  Pay attention to who & what is around you.  Take your phone away from your ear & get your slow ass out of the middle lane.  Stop digging around on the floor for that elusive Engelbert Humperdink CD & fucking pay attention.

Tip #2 - Don't drive skeered.

     Now we all have had those white nuckle moments, that feeling of, "Oh SHIT!!".  But the thing to remember is when your skeered you are more likely to make panicky, unsafe moves.  This is not a good thing on an ice & snow covered road.  I'm not saying don't respect Mother Nature & all her squirrelly wrath but if you're afraid to be on the road, do the rest of us a favor & park it.

Tip #3 - Get the fuck away from me.

     No, seriously.  GET. THE. FUCK. AWAY.  I don't know what it is about some drivers but when the weather gets shitty they all want to ride in one big panicky group. Personally, I want as much space between me & your dumbass as possible.  If you come flying up behind me, pass me.  If I come up on you, don't jump out there & cut me off, because I'm liable to give you a good CB ass kicking for being an ignorant fucktard.  So for your safety & my mental health, STAY AWAY.

So there you have it fuckeritos y fuckeritas (these are my new favorite words), 3 simple tips for safe winter driving.  This probably isn't what you were expecting, but get over it already.


Little Trucker said...

Ohhhh, that sounds just like me..I hate DINGLEBERRIES!! And the most common thing you will see me screaming through my windows is GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME...

Bethany said...

{Clapping hand guy} Yah Shannon! I couldn't say it better myself!! Glad to see a new post and thank you for the link love! I'll return the flavor!

Oh, and I totally love the content warning when I come to your blog!! lmfao!

Mark's Moving Corner said...

Perfect. Priceless. I have actually broken the shifter knob in frustration at the meathead winter driving I've seen.
Now I have to go get the coffee stains out of my shirt, and off the laptop...

Anonymous said...

facking loved it!

Terry Smelser said...

Came up through VA and WV a couple of days after that "latest" big storm on the east coast. EVERY fucktard pickup pulling a trailer seemed to jack-knife into the middle, at about the same time. Good damn place for them too. OUT OF THE WAY.

Of course there were the standard assortment of "Big Fleet" rejects that "parked in the middle, fell off of ramps, got just "part" of a tire into the muck, only to have the whole damn truck follow it in.

All in all, an amusing trip.

Great post Shannon.